Last Update: 10/06/2017

Clean Ass No. 1 Top Priority for Vandwellers

Damn! That ass fine! Even covered in dirty sand! Wanna put my tongue right up in there!

No one wants to smell your stanky damn ass. Not even you. Keepin' your butt crack clean is Priority Number One. Especially when you live in a van, down by the river.

In fact, a spit-polished taint is more important for vandwellers because we don’t always get a shower every day. Do you want your van to smell like shit? Do you want to butt stink to disgust every fuckin' time you get out of the driver’s seat? No!

Not unless you or your S.O. are goddamned coprophiliacs. In which case, save it for special occasions, Perv.

Plus, a fresh-washed crack and fresh underwear are the key to not smelling like a fuckin' bum. That helps when the cops ask questions. Trust me.

How to Keep Your Ass Clean in a Van

  1. Do Post-crap Cleaning — After takin' a dump, I wipe as well as I can with toilet paper. I really dig into that bunghole. Then I wipe my crack and dingleberry with one or two baby wipes. (BTW, don’t flush them wipes or dump them in a vault toilet; throw them in the trash.)

  2. Change Underwear Daily — Briefs, boxers, and panties are there to capture loose poop, pee, or odors. In the old days, it saved washin' woolen pants til spring. In modern times, you probably change your pants more than once a year. Maybe every day. No matter, change that underwear daily and the stink won’t follow you around.

  3. Ass-Wipe After Fart-a-thons — The odd fart or two isn’t a problem. But we all get a run on gas once in awhile, usually after eating too damned much at the Chinese buffet. Things back there get moist and pungent. So clean your crack with a baby wipe and/or TP, and return your trunk to it’s factory smell.

If you’re a vandweller, trucker, or anyone who spends a lot of time in a vehicle – Or really, if you’re not fucking disgusting – keep your ass clean. It should be your fuckin' No. 1 top priority!

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  1. Too funny and very good advice that a lot of people that I have bumped in to could use.

    1. Sometimes the simplest advice is the best.

  2. Ray, Annapolis Md. 5+ yr van dweller10.10.17

    I have a "spritz " bottle. liquid bath soap,a dash of vinegar & water. after making a # 2, I basically wash back there, sparay the solution on some paper towels & wash up. you'll feel like you just showered. I also use the spritz in between showers if unable to wash daily.