Last Update: 2/16/2019

Choke Your Chicken in a RoadPro Stove

Cooking a whole chicken in an oven bag within a RoadPro 12 volt Stove

"Stuff it, stuff it in! Take it all, Baby! Cram that fuckin' chicken in your hole, choke it!" I screamed as the whole bird slipped inta my RoadPro Stove.

Been surfing the web for 12 volt cooking food porn, then found THIS. Dirty sonofabitch had crammed that super-sized chicken into that hot hole ... Mmmm. He'd put the bird into an oven bag and stuffed it into his RoadPro Stove ALL THE WAY! After 2.5 hours a workin', that bitch was hot, greasy and meltin' off the bone! My tongue was on the floor!

Days later, Vanholio was in some grocery store and saw they was pimping'whole birds, seasoned, with bread stuffing inside, ready to go. I bought one, about 3 lbs. Put it in a bag (with a little flour and air hole in top, per instructions.)

Got that plump chick home and prepped her real good. Gawdammit, then I fisted her inta that RoadPro Stove hole. Baked her for ... well, a long damn time, like 5 or more hours. Don't know why it took so long, probably the stuffing. But DAMNNNNN!
RoadPro Stove Cooks It All!

Tender, so tender... So soft ... So satisfied ...

Las Chihuahas and I ate half the chicken and most a the stuffing right away. Now I've got the rest cold and waiting for sandwiches, eating straight, cooking with rice, whatever. Wow! Just wow!

Only complaint is that you don't get the brown, crispy skin of an oven-roasted chicken. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But seriously, ya gotta try it. Choke your chicken into your RoadPro Stove. Roast it for 2.5+ hours. Eat like a king – King of the Fuckin' Road!

Special Note – Vanholio wrote this post back in 2015. Lots changed since. One Chihuahua, The Gimp, has passed on. Vanholio's been usin' a Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. But the principle's the same, the advice's still good ta go!

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Last Update: 2/10/2019

How to Shit in a Hole in the Ground

"Dig a cathole," they say, "When you're boondocking and there ain't no toilets around." But how? How you use that without gettin' shit 'n pee all over yourself!? Read on! Uncle Vanholio'll learn ya!

13 Steps to Shittin' Pretty

  1. Find a Private Spot. This is damn important, trust me!

  2. Dig a hole about 6-8" inches deep (15-20 cm). Vanholio prefers ta use a small mattock over a trowel 'cause it'll tear through rocky or rooty soil better.

  3. Take off your britches, underwear'n all. Maybe you got a way ta pull 'em outta the way, but Vanholio just finds this step prevents "mistakes." If you're wearin' a dress or kilt, I guess ya could hike it up.

  4. Line up your heels even with the front a the hole. (See where the sandals is in that photo above.) That'll let aim up your turds ta drop square inta the hole.

  5. Squat and shit. Ya don't even need ta squat all that much. Vanholio squats maybe as much as sittin' on a tall chair. Also helps ta pull your buttcheeks apart.

  6. Keep squatting and wipe. Have that TP handy so ya don't have to stand up. If ya stand, ya might squish the leftover crap onta your buttcheeks more.

  7. Dispose a the toilet paper: Option 1: Drop it inta the hole like you'd expect. Option 2: Put the used TP inta a ziplock bag ta carry to a trash can. That's what Vanholio does in arid places.

  8. Piss inta the hole, if ya gotta. Most nutrients that leave the body come out in pee. I figure that and the moisture'll help the crap break down quicker.

  9. Clean your ass. Having a clean ass is your No. 1 vanlife priority. There or back at camp, use some "flushable" wipes to make sure there ain't nothin' left in the crack. Get your whole nethers clean.

  10. Put on your britches. Or go commando. Your call.

  11. Fill in the hole. Maybe stomp on it after to squash that dirt down.

  12. Wash your hands. If ya ain't got soap and water ta spare, do like Vanholio does. Clean your hands with another wipe, then use some antiseptic gel.

  13. Enjoy the relief. Walk away. Sigh deep. Hell, smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

Honestly, ya get used to it. It ain't that bad. After years on the road, Vanholio don't see no need ta carry a tiny toilet with him. No siree!

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Last Update: 2/02/2019

Road Trip! Haida Gwaii, BC, Alaska, and Points North!

Vanholio's been thinkin' an' itchin' at the feet. Six months'n more Texas housebound's got him ready ta Go Big and Go Alaska! Plan is ta meander toward British Columbia and Alaska late March, early April. And he needs your help!

Check out the embedded Google Map below. Vanholio needs your advice on good places along the way. Don't mean tourist traps. I mean good free camp spots, cheap eats, little known side treks, hot springs and swimmin' holes for a bath, things like that.

And I ain't in no hurry, neither. Might take a month or more ta get up North.

"But Vanholio!," ya say, "You're missin' all the best stuff in the mountains and National Parks!" Well, first off, Vanholio's been ta all them parks.

Second, leavin' in spring, the notion is drive desert on the way up, goin' for sunshine and mid-50's weather. Mountains'll be too cold'n snowy that early. Might hit 'em on the way back south, though! TBD

That route there ain't set in stone none neither. It's a work in progress. But it avoids most big cities and interstates. And it keeps ta warmish high desert – Colorado Plateau, Great Basin, Inland Empire, and BC Interior. At least til the end.

Plans A, B or C?

At the end of that road, Vanholio's got a buddy with open invite up in the Haida Gwaii islands. Plan A after is a sidetrip ta Hyder, AK ta notch Vanholio's belt with his 50th USA state. Then it's back south one way or d'other.

But who knows! Maybe he'll hear the Northern Lights callin'! Plans B and C is up the ALCAN Highway or by Alaska State Ferry along the Alaska Marine Highway … Ya'll stay tuned!

So, ya got advice? Wanna hear it. Post in them comments!

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Last Update: 1/27/2019

All the Whores I Knowed Before

German street hooker bends down to talk to client in car. Photo by Ralfdix, (CC BY-SA 3.0)
Peek inta the seedy world a street walkers and brothel babes. 8 girls on 3 continents. All told in Vanholio's Texas drawl and off-beat humor. 99% true! Only the names been changed ta protect the guilty.

Buy All the Whores I Knowed Before at Read it! FREE on Kindle Unlimited!

Chapters include:

Ch. 1 – The Driveby Hooker
Ch. 2 – Doublemint Fun
Ch. 3 – Jawhol, Frau Linkmeyer!
Ch. 4 – Everyone Loves a Happy Ending
Ch. 5 – What's Your Lucky Number?
Ch. 6 – Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Ch. 7 – Scotch on My Rocks

You’ll learn how its done on US streets, and in Nevada, Austria, Malaysia, and Thailand. He covers the legal and illegal, the clean and the dirty, dirty, dirty. It's a roll in the mud ya can't resist!

Comeon, you been wonderin' what it's like to visit a hooker. Admit it! Even if ya'd never do it in a million years, the curiosity burns deep. Indulge that yearning! No risk of arrest or STD! Buy it now!

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Last Update: 1/22/2019

Vanholio! Is Back! On the Road!

vanholio van overloaded with stuff on top, sagging down the back shocks

Fuck Texas! And fuck house imprisonment! Vanholio's got his dump on the market and's already hit the fuckin' road, Ya'll!

If ya read my last post 6 month ago, ya know that I'd decided ta settle awhile at my rental house in Texas – a failed Baltic Avenue type rental. Bad bizness.

Dreams! Vanholio'd dreamt a woodworkin', gardenin', paintin', and all such housebound pursuits! Especially hangin' with my peeps near every weekend and odd times.

But it was not ta be. Ended up doin' almost none a that shit. Ended up mostly sleepin' on the floor in one tiny room. Might as well a been a van with a cracked engine block!

What can I say? It was a dead end taken, a wrong road turned onto. The only good things was FAST internet and an oven ta bake my bread an' chicken wings easy.

I'm back in the Vanholio! Territory! – for now – livin' the vanlife and dreamin' bigger dreams. And hopin' that fuckin' house sells damn quick, afore it costs me too much taxes and utilities.

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Last Update: 6/01/2018

End of the Road (for Now)

Won't beat around the fuckin' bush: Vanholio's outta vanlife for the near future. He's done moved back to his ol' sticks'n bricks. Deal with it!

Why? Well, it's pretty much what I said in my post a month or so ago: gardenin', woodworkin', cookin' (in a full kitchen), and bein' near my people.

Not ta say he won't hit the road again at some point. Vanholio's always had itchy feet. Could be I'll turn part-timer. Could be I'll sell up and go full-time again when I get sick a this shit. No tellin'.

Only thing for sure is, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want!

Don't Expect No More Posts

No, I ain't bloggin' no more. Been at for two years — It's gotten boring. Never did make much money nohow, maybe $20 a month. That ain't even a tank a gas! But most important, like I said, it's gotten boring. So there will be no blog about vanlife nor Vanholio's houselife from here on out.

Had fun writing 169 posts for, plus more besides. Had fun chit-chattin' with readers and others I got ta know on social media. Even met a few folks IRL. But all good things come to an end.

I'll leave up for a couple years. It covers most a the things newbies need ta learn, plus a bit besides. When Google drops the traffic way down, then I'll smother it with a pillow.

Partin' Wise Words

Get off your ass and hit the road, ya whiny bastard. Or don't, if ya don't really wanna. Just follow your heart, goddammit. It ain't that fuckin' complicated!

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Last Update: 5/03/2018

Washing Clothes in the Van With a Toilet Plunger

ball clothes washer and 5 gallon buckets ready to do laundry

One cheap way ta wash your laundry when vandwelling is with a 5 gallon bucket and a toilet plunger. Just started doin' this last week. Works great! Here's how.

The basic formula is ya get a 5 gallon bucket. Ya can get 'em free here and there. Or ya can buy 'em. I got mine at Walmart for less than $4 each. Ya need the lid, too.

Then ya get a plunger. Any ol' plunger'll do. It helps if ya drill holes in the rubber.

Vanholio got fancy, though. That one in the photo is the Ball Clothes Washer. Sprang for the $25 mostly 'cause I figured it'd be nice ta have the handles. Works fine. Only problem – and I ain't the only one who run inta this – is the workin' end comes loose. Plumber's tape fixed that.

Now, in the bucket lid, ya cut or drill a hole for your plunger handle. That cuts down on water swishin' out.

Toilet Plunger Clothes Washing How-To

  1. Pretreat stains.
  2. Put your plunger inta the bucket.
  3. Add some clothes.
  4. Add some laundry soap.*
  5. Top up the water. Hot is good.
  6. Close the lid.
  7. Work the plunger for about 10 minutes.
  8. Wring out the clothes
  9. Repeat Steps 2-8 with clean water / no soap ta rinse.**
  10. Hang dry.

* Since I'm at my house now, I'm usin' ¼ C Castile soap so that it's safe to pour the wash water onto my yard after. Good idea in the woods, too. One gal told me she just uses hot water and vinegar.

** Photo shows two buckets, but I think ya can use the same bucket again. Also, I put a little vinegar, about ½ C, ta the rinse water to clean off the soap better. Read somewhere that helps.

That's about it! Vanholio didn't invent this shit. He just tried it an' is passin' along.

Heard about other ways a doin' laundry on the road. This is just one. But it's a small enough system for vandwellers. Only issue is havin' 'nough water at hand for the job, about 6 gallons.

Try it out and let me know how it works for ya.

Fancy Toilet Plunger Clothes Washer Video

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