No one wants to smell your stanky ass. Not even you. Keeping your butt clean is Priority Number One. Especially when you live in a van, down by the river.
In fact, a spit-polished ass is more important for vandwellers because we don’t always get a shower every day. Do you want your van to smell like shit? Do you want to butt stink to disgust every fucking time you get out of the driver’s seat? No!
Not unless you or your S.O. are goddamned coprophiliacs. In which case, save it for special occasions, Perv.
Plus, a fresh-washed crack and fresh underwear are the key to not smelling like a fucking bum. That helps when the cops ask questions. Trust me.
How to Keep Your Ass Clean
- Do Post-crap Cleaning — After taking a dump, I wipe as well as I can with toilet paper. I really dig into that bunghole. Then I wipe my crack and dingleberry with one or two baby wipes. (BTW, don’t flush the wipes or dump them in a vault toilet; throw them in the trash.)
- Change Underwear Daily — Briefs, boxers, and panties are there to capture loose poop, pee, or odors. In the old days, it saved washing woolen pants till spring. In modern times, you probably change your pants more than once a year. Maybe every day. Regardless, change that underwear daily and the stink won’t follow you around.
- Ass-Wipe After Fart-a-thons — The odd fart or two isn’t a problem. But we all get a run on gas once in awhile, usually after eating too damned much at the Chinese buffet. Things back there get moist and smelly. So clean your crack with a baby wipe and/or TP, and return your trunk to it’s factory smell.
If you’re a vandweller, trucker, or anyone who spends a lot of time in a vehicle – Or really, if you’re not fucking disgusting – keep your ass clean. It should be your fucking top priority!