Last Update: 3/31/2017

10 Worst Things About Van Life

Van upside down in Chinese restaurant store front. Van life!

Look at van life Instagrams, and you’d think it’s all a rolling bed a fuckin’ roses! Well, down by the river’s got it’s bullshit, too …

10 Ways Van Life Can Suck Bigly

  1. Gas – And by “gas,” I mean flatulence. Even a full-size hightop is a small space when ya been hittin’ the garlic.

  2. Indie Hipster Girls – According ta redditor Tired_Thumb, hot hippie chicks in Portland and such places’ll hook up with ya just for a #vanlife selfie. Terrible! :-P

  3. Sex Killers – “If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.” Well, in Vanholio’s experience, a van telegraphin’ sex is a turnoff for most gals.

  4. Noisy Neighbors – Unless you’re boondockin’,, traffic, people walkin’ by, and the like are loud and fuckin’ annoying. That’s why Vanholio don’t like Walmart campin’ all that much.

  5. Wet Weather – First off, when ya get into the van all wet, ya get water over everythin’. And nothin’ sucks big donkey balls like steppin’ out into a thunderstorm or blizzard ta take a pee at 3 am.

  6. Breakdowns – Most folks think vandwellers are homeless. But when your van’s in the shop, ya really feel that way.

  7. Honey-Do’s – Got all kinds a little custom features in your build? That’s all fuckin’ great until they break. Then it’s up ta you ta get around ta fixin’ ‘em. That includes trackin’ down parts.

  8. Gift Gaffs – What do family and friends buy for the van life nomad who ain’t got room for nothin’ nohow? Consternation abounds.

  9. The Man – Bureaucrats make dealin’ with feds, states, and even private businesses a pain in the ass when ya ain’t got no fixed address. But there are shady workarounds ...

  10. Idle Hands – When you’re livin’ van life cheap and ain’t workin’ too hard, ya get lots a free time. But what then? Leisurely livin’ ain’t as easy as it sounds.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Shit in Woods Goes Gross to Nightmare
How I Got REAL ID With No Fixed Address


  1. No one has given me a gift in decades, but if someone were so inclined, they could get me some e-books.

  2. #5b. Or ya realize in the morning that last night at 3am when ya were taking a leak there was a mountain lion prowling around your rig!

    1. On night, I kept hearin' this scratchin' around under my headboard. Thought a mouse had gotten in. Goin' around back outside, it turned out to be a raccoon tryin' to open the back door and get the food. He just wandered off without a care. Bastard.