Last Update: 2/10/2019

How to Shit in a Hole in the Ground

"Dig a cathole," they say, "When you're boondocking and there ain't no toilets around." But how? How you use that without gettin' shit 'n pee all over yourself!? Read on! Uncle Vanholio'll learn ya!

13 Steps to Shittin' Pretty

  1. Find a Private Spot. This is damn important, trust me!

  2. Dig a hole about 6-8" inches deep (15-20 cm). Vanholio prefers ta use a small mattock over a trowel 'cause it'll tear through rocky or rooty soil better.

  3. Take off your britches, underwear'n all. Maybe you got a way ta pull 'em outta the way, but Vanholio just finds this step prevents "mistakes." If you're wearin' a dress or kilt, I guess ya could hike it up.

  4. Line up your heels even with the front a the hole. (See where the sandals is in that photo above.) That'll let aim up your turds ta drop square inta the hole.

  5. Squat and shit. Ya don't even need ta squat all that much. Vanholio squats maybe as much as sittin' on a tall chair. Also helps ta pull your buttcheeks apart.

  6. Keep squatting and wipe. Have that TP handy so ya don't have to stand up. If ya stand, ya might squish the leftover crap onta your buttcheeks more.

  7. Dispose a the toilet paper: Option 1: Drop it inta the hole like you'd expect. Option 2: Put the used TP inta a ziplock bag ta carry to a trash can. That's what Vanholio does in arid places.

  8. Piss inta the hole, if ya gotta. Most nutrients that leave the body come out in pee. I figure that and the moisture'll help the crap break down quicker.

  9. Clean your ass. Having a clean ass is your No. 1 vanlife priority. There or back at camp, use some "flushable" wipes to make sure there ain't nothin' left in the crack. Get your whole nethers clean.

  10. Put on your britches. Or go commando. Your call.

  11. Fill in the hole. Maybe stomp on it after to squash that dirt down.

  12. Wash your hands. If ya ain't got soap and water ta spare, do like Vanholio does. Clean your hands with another wipe, then use some antiseptic gel.

  13. Enjoy the relief. Walk away. Sigh deep. Hell, smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

Honestly, ya get used to it. It ain't that bad. After years on the road, Vanholio don't see no need ta carry a tiny toilet with him. No siree!

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1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12.8.19

    Oh gosh! What an amount of sound, practice based advice! As retired persons my wife and I are able to travel much around in our van, especially during summer. Often we stay a places without access to any toilet. During the years we have got quite much experience with bush pooping. Mostly it is uncomplicated and just a pleasure. Not to disagree with the advice above, but just a few comments from a European perspective.
    1) This can not be overemphasized. I tell from experience. May be embarrassing not only for the person squatting.
    2) In Europe I think digging a hole it not always done. When staying in very remote areas it is often regarded enough to go well away from paths and water.
    3) I just pull down to the knees before squatting, and have not experienced any calamities. Both my wife and I prefer the "low squat".
    4) Well, perhaps TMI, but it depends upon individual anatomy and composition of the excrement!
    5) Pull buttocks apart is a good advice.
    6) Keep squatting while wiping is also a good advice.
    7) Always a challenge. (Up in the mountains we often burn it, if no risk for starting a fire.)
    8) Usually I pee before pooping...
    9) Extremely important. I possible we often take a bath in a nearby lake afterwards.
    10) N/a to me. Cfr. 3).
    11) Yes, cover up.
    12) An obligate duty.
    13) For sure!