Last Update: 3/17/2016

Hole in the Rock Expedition Mor(m)onic

Mormon pioneers go screaming down the Hole in the Rock on their wagons

Escalante, Utah, is plastered with praise for the 1879 Hole in the Rock Expedition (aka San Juan Expedition). OMFG! These moron, er, Mormon settlers were dumb as fucking rocks.

The Mormon leadership in Salt Lake City decided that 236 men, women, and children should build a new settlement in southeast Utah, some of North America’s most rugged canyon country. And along the way, they should cut a straight road, no matter what.

The expedition was supposed to take about six weeks but ended up being six months. At the end was the Hole in the Rock, a 0.5-mile (1.6 km), narrow, super-steep canyon dropping 2,000 ft. (600 m) to the Colorado River.

That is some crack!
So here’s the moronic part that historians call “epic.” These genius explorers decided to blast a road through the canyon. It took more than a month of backbreaking work and a crapload of explosives. The finished “road” was an average 25° slope – sometimes 45°! Going down was a terror to man and beast alike, risking life and limb.

It was such a brilliantly designed road that it was only used for a year. Like, duh!

Hello, Mor(m)ons! How about scouting out another route?! How about questioning your leaders’ orders?!

And why the fuck did the Mormon leadership send whole families and not professional scouts and engineers? And why the hell did these people even go?

Faith made these families “volunteer.” But couldn’t they at some point say, “Hey, Prophets, this is a bad route. Let’s find another way?” How about a little intelligence and initiative here? Jesus Fucking Christ and the Latter Day Fucking Saints!

The Hole in the Rock history says less about the courage of Utah’s White settlers and more about their blind obedience. Simple faith turns you into a simpleton.

Sure, the settlers “succeeded.” But what they succeeded at was just plain stupid.

I’m renaming this bit of history the “Hole in the Head Expedition.”

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