Last Update: 6/23/2017

Jesus on Black Widow Spider's Abdomen

vision of jesus in the abdomen of a black widow spider
I done seen Jesus in the belly of the spider! Hallelujah!

The vision come to me in a New Mexico closet, right atop a box.

He has built his house like the spider's web, Or as a hut which the watchman has made. – Job 27:18

Alas, this miracle Latrodectus has now been squashed ...

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Hot Fried Quail ... Those Dirty Birds!
Shrine of the Miracle Tortilla (Closed) (Roadside America)
PHOTOS: Unusual Sightings of Holy Figures (ABC News)

"Jesus Spider Vision" first published at
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Last Update: 6/16/2017

Zero Cleanup Omelette? Boil in a Ziploc Bag

Omelettes cooked in Ziploc, one on a tortilla with Cholula hot sauce

The problem with cookin' scrambled eggs on the go is cleanup of your mixin' bowl and pan. The boil-in-bag method gets around that! Perfect for van life or trucking.

Vanholio's made hisself omelette's this way sittin' on the edge a his bed in the van – without no mess. Real convenient in tight spaces.

WARNING: Cooking in Ziplocs might not be safe.

How to Cook an Omelette in a Ziploc Bag

1. Gather your ingredients.

two eggs, cheese, seasoning salt, and bacon bits, unmixed, in a ziploc bag
Eggs, etc. added to Ziploc

In this case, I did 2 eggs per bag, a piece a cheddar, season salt, and bacon bits. The fake bacon bits suck up some egg juice and add a salty, umami flavor. I don't add no water nor milk.

2. Put eggs and extras into the bag, then zip shut.

With a bit a finesse, Vanholio can crack an egg, then pour it inta the bag without spillin'. Get everything in there. Then zip it shut without much air. That's important 'cause what air's in there'll expand during cooking. Don't wanna pop that bag!

eggs and other ingredients mixed up in a ziploc bag, ready to boil
Eggs, etc. mixed up in Ziploc
3. Gently mix up your eggs.

You don't wanna bust your Ziploc. So massage that huevo sack like you would your own (or someone's you love). Gentle, gentle, gentle, until they're all scrambled.

4. Put Ziploc in pot of water and boil.

Ziplocs of eggs ready to boil in
Max Burton Portable Stove to Go
Vanholio uses his Max Burton Portable Stove to Go. I put the bags in a pot a cold water, shut the stove up, and set it to 250° F (. 'Bout the time the water's boilin', the eggs're done. You could also get water boilin', then put in the bags a eggs.

5. Shake the eggs outta the Ziploc to serve.

The omelette don't stick none to the plastic. That makes it easy.

Is Cooking an Omelette in a Ziploc as Good as Pan Frying?

No, not quite. But it ain't half bad, neither. You miss some flavor and consistency from pan fryin', but there's no funky plastic taste. Better than most restaurant eggs, IMHO. It's a van life winner.

Is Boiling Eggs in a Ziploc Bag Safe?

That warnin' at top got ya worried? Well, you can always use them pricey oven bags or the new Ziploc Zip ‘N Steam Cooking Bags. Or else go back to usin' a pan. But Vanholio ain't personally worried none (which maybe ain't too smart, but there it is).

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

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Last Update: 6/09/2017

Human Beings Are Fuckin' Disgusting!

Campground among pine trees has been strewn with trash by trashy campers.

In general, I enjoy campground hostin’. But the dark side is dealin’ with the public. Lots of campers leave their shit lyin’ around – literally!

Here’s a list of body wastes I had to fuckin’ deal with just this week:

  • One fucker left a solid turd semi-smeared on vault toilet floor.
  • Few days later, another fucker smeared his shit on the wall of the toilet, right by the toilet paper.
  • Some perv shot fresh cum in the toilet corner. Still glistening when I saw it.
  • Lots of guys and gals just miss with their pee, diarrhea, and monthlies.
  • Used toilet paper gets left all over the floor.
  • Someone this week didn’t even bother with the toilet. He (or she) shat by the creek where kids and everyone walk.

More trash I had to fuck with this week:

  • Most can’t seem to camp without leaving trash behind, especially:
    • Bud Light cans
    • Water bottle tops
    • Cigarette butts
    • Plastic utensils
    • String and rope
    • Any kinda wrapper
  • One group dug a hole, dumped their waste food in, then didn’t bury it.
  • Trout heads, skins, bones, and guts – anywhere and everywhere.
  • Dog shit – anywhere and everywhere.
  • Unburnable trash got stuffed in the campfire rings.
  • A couple dipshits hacked the bark off half way ‘round a tree. Probably killed it. Why!?

AT THE SAME FUCKIN’ TIME, the fuckin’ shitheads act like I slapped their mommas when I tell them to pay the $8 camp fee or put their dogs on a leash.

If I’d had the Big Red Button in fronta me last night, Ida nuked every human bein’ on this here planet Earth. No bullshit!

At least one nice guest bought me a 6-pack of 7.2%. Time to go get fuckin’ wasted ...

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Van Life Tax-Free Income, Courtesy USFS
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Last Update: 6/02/2017

Planning to Die Soon

Photo of cemetery with ironic street sign in front marked, "Dead End."
No, Vanholio don't plan to kick the bucket in the near future. This is 'bout a practical program of "carpe diem" (seize the day). Plan to die in six months, then live accordingly.

In a previous post, I done told you all about askin' yourself, "What would you do if you only had six months to live?" That's what Vanholio does. And that guiding star led him to the glorious van life he leads now.

But that ain't been good enough lately. I *still* find myself obsessed with Shoulds and Oughts. Good Ideas and Sensible Plans start takin' over my brain.

Fuck that shit! Vanholio's takin' it the next level. I'm actually planning my life as if I'm really gonna die this New Years Eve. Well, at least if the chance were 90%. The plan does include provision for a 10% chance stayin' on.

So what does Vanholio's last few months look like? Headin' to Manila for hookers and blow? Climbing Mt. McKinley? Punchin' Trump in the nose?

Nah, nothin' so excitin'. I'm pretty happy with the life I got now. But here's what I come up with so far:

  • Plan my estate, including living will, pet provisions, and naming a literary executor. Boring, but I been draggin' my heels on this shit.

  • Take more and longer walks with my dog.

  • Blow off some projects that don't matter for shit.

  • Unsubscribe from a buncha crap that fills up my Inbox.

  • Visit people I care about. Was already plannin' the visits, but now I wanna jazz em up somehow, say with barbecues or parties, make 'em extra special.

  • Write some letters tellin' certain folks how much they mean to me.

  • Visit El Rancho de las Golondrinas, a living history museum in Santa Fe.

What about the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll, you say? Shit, like I said, I'm pretty happy with my life now. But I do want to figure out some more fun activities. Also wanna figure out what kinda writing projects ta tackle. Maybe some books ta read and movies to see, too.

Again, though, gotta plan for the 10% chance I live. So I'll need to be smart with my savings. Also do some setup for future income. It ain't all "Fuck you, World!"

We'll see how this exercise works out, or if I even stick with it. Vanholio tends to get distracted ...

What would your 6-months-till-checkout plan look like? Any ideas? Wanna plan it seriously, too, and see if it don't make your life better?

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

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Last Update: 5/26/2017

Recipe: Noodly Peanut Chicken Sausage Gumbo

model of flying spaghetti monster

Even a blind hog gets an acorn once in awhile! Even when Vanholio's the blind hog. Even when he roots out groceries at Family Dollar! Easy, tasty, cheap!

It's a real simple recipe, makes 2-3 servings:

I ripped open two packets chicken ramen. Then I broke up the noodle blocks into the pan of my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. I sprinkled in just 1 of the chicken seasonin' packets (savin' the other for rice maybe.)

Then I poured in the can a Campbell's Chunky Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo. I filled the empty can with water and poured that in after, getting all the stuck bits out.

Finally, I dumped in a couple good globs a crunchy peanut butter. I'd say about 3-4 TBS.

I plugged in the Max Burton Digital Stove to Go and set it to Heat for … shit, I don't know. Maybe 30-45 minutes? I just checked the readout. When it got to about 230 F, I checked the stew. The noodles was swelled and all was simmerin'. 'Course, I stirred it around to make sure the peanut butter got spread out in the stock, makin' a African-style gravy.

Damn! – Rich! Fillin'! Meaty! Spicy! My only complaint was the dogs beggin' for extra shares.

Maybe Vanholio should start a cookin' show on YouTube called "Dollar Store Cookin'." Waddya think?

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

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Last Update: 5/23/2017

Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices

Marinco 40A 2 prong plug and socket
Vanholio got some good advice. Changed out the cheap, standard 12v plug on his Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. Swapped it for a Marinco 40A 2-wire plug. Been tickled pink!

DISCLAIMER: Take what follows as a tip, not a how-to. I ain't providin' enough info to learn ya how to rewire your own plugs. But file this notion away for later. All the how-to ya need is out there on the internets when you're ready.

Marinco 40A plug on my Max Burton
Back to it … So, yeah, I installed a trollin' motor plug on my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go. Voided the warranty straight off, I'm sure. But dammit, works way better than all them spring plugs. Those fuckers kept overheatin' and breakin' on me!

See, your standard, legacy 12v plugs are an afterthought design for car cigarrette lighters (I'm pretty damn sure). They're fragile and can't handle much juice neither. But as they're "standard" and "legacy," they're everywhere. Fuck 'em. You can do better.

At top's a picture a what I swapped for – Marinco 40A 2-wire plug (also sold under the MinnKota brand, both brands available in 2 or 3 wire configurations). It's solid as shit, locks in with a twist, and can handle the juice. It's that 40A rating. Don't even get warm when I'm runnin' that 12v stove full blast.

'Course, ya need a matchin' socket for that plug. Duh! So I wired the female into my house battery with 12 AWG wire and a 20A fuse.

For those of you that don't speak electri-tech, that 12 AWG wire is a fatter kind that can handle more juice without overheatin'. The fuse is a fail-safe.

Now, why did I wire the plug into my house battery instead a just replacin' one a the 12v sockets in the van? The most important two reasons is 1) that the Marinco plug would stick up outta the dash funny, and 2) the van's sockets ain't wired to handle enough juice for cookin'.

The third reason I wired the plug to the house battery is that it's part of my solar setup. Vanholio's cookin' with the sun!

If swappin' out plugs and sockets has got your fancy, here's some videos and links with more how-to. And if that ain't enough info, hit up some techie types on the van life forums. (But don't ask Vanholio for no more advice. He knows just enough to get hisself in trouble.)

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

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Last Update: 5/11/2017

Review: 12v Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

Photo of max burton 12v digital stove to go with non-stick pot and steamer tray outside it.

Vanholio’s trusty old RoadPro Stove finally died after 2 years. But no worries! He’s love, love, lovin’ his new 12v Digital Stove to Go by Max Burton. It beats out the RoadPro by a mile! Here’s a review with 10 reasons why …

10 Reasons to Buy a Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

1. Adjustable Cookin’ Temps

The Max Burton has 2 modes: Heat and Temp. Heat mode just keeps pumpin’ juice till the temp gets to a roasty 350° F (177° C). Temp mode, though, lets you set the final temperature to one of 11 settings, from 100-350° F (38-177° C). And the digital display shows you the current temp inside. Meanwhile, the RoadPro just has one temp, 300° F (149° C), and their ain’t nothing to tell you how hot it is presently.

2. Better Shell

I’ll say it: The RoadPro Stove’s plastic lunchbox shell is a bit flimsy. Well, what do ya expect for about $35! And the Max Burton better be better at $70 – and it is. The plastic clamshell’s round edges and superior cover latch’ll hold up more over the long haul.

3. Vertical Design

The RoadPro is more flattish, which ain’t good for soupy things and cookin’ rice while drivin’, or even parked on an angle. Look at the non-stick pan in the photo at top. It’s mainly vertical, so shit won’t slosh around so much. Only thing vertical is worse for is bakin’ a pan a biscuits.

Buy at

4. Raised Feet

On bottom, the Max Burton’s got little feet that raise it half-inch or so. That helps keep from burnin’ your van floor, or wherever you got this thing stuck. The RoadPro is flat on bottom and tends to heat up where it sits.

5. Auto Safety Off

It don’t say nothin’ about this in the user manual, but I discovered it myself. Vanholio had his Max Burton in a tight spot. After startin’ to heat up a bit, it’d turn itself off. Then it worked in a more open spot. Obvious then, it turns itself off if the components get too hot. Better than startin’ a fire!

6. Non-Stick Pan

The Max Burton’s pan is removable for washin’ and non-stick inside. The RoadPro ain’t got no pan included, so you end up havin’ to buy tiny aluminum bread pans.

7. Large Volume

That non-stick pan is 1.5L in volume (a bit more than 6C). Vanholio’s made him enough stew at one go for 2 hefty meals!

8. Steamer/Warmer Tray

Wanna steam your veggies? Maybe warm some tortillas while your beans finish up? Easy. The Digital Stove to Go comes with a fitted steamer/warmer tray, as shown in the photo at top.

9. On-Off Button

Done cookin’ and can’t reach to pull out the 12v plug while drivin’? No problem. Just hit the handy on-off button.

10. 2 Spare Fuses Included

Higher-Amp 12v devices like these are known to pop a fuse now and then. No problem! The Max Burton Digital Stove to Go comes with 2 extra 20A glass fuses. Replacin’ them is easy, too: Just unscrew the 12v plug.

Downside to Max Burton Digital Stove to Go

The one downside to the Max Burton (hell, even the RoadPro Stove) is that it pulls a lot of Amps. Up to 12 or more at times! In some vehicles, that overwhelms the 12v socket's wires and fuses. You'll see that's the No. 1 complaint in the reviews. Or at least, the cause of it.

Hey, Beer Vanholio! He works hard on this blog.

Also See ...

Install Marine Plugs on High Amp 12v Devices
Choke Your Chicken in a RoadPro Stove
12 Volt Cooking (website)
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