Last Update: 10/17/2017

#Vanlife Is Totally Boring!

bored kid looking out the window when it's raining
Don't know what the hell you expected! Van life ain't nothin' but LIFE. Most a the time it's boring as hell. Or at least, it's as boring as you make it.

See, Vanholio's low key, just a quiet guy who likes his quiet. He ain't got no sexy yoga momma ridin' shotgun. He don't hang glide, rock climb, surf, cook gourmet camp meals, meet cool people, or discover amazing restaurants. Mostly, he just keeps ta hisself in the woods and desert, a hermit, if you will.

And that's just how Vanholio likes it!!!

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

Take Last Weekend …


Saturday — I got up late, ate some breakfast, cleaned up, journaled, called a buddy about some business we got, drove inta Silver City, N.M. for a Wendy's burger, dropped by Walmart ta take a shit and buy some coffee, came back ta camp, called another buddy, ate dinner, took Ms. Barkley on a walk, and otherwise wasted time Facebookin' and net surfin'.

Sunday — Got up, ate breakfast; cleaned up; drove into town ta get water, ice, and burritos at the grocery store; drove a big circle through Lordsburg, Hachita, and inta Columbus, N.M. (just for the hell of it, to see what's there, and I took a walk north a Lordsburg along the way); grabbed a site at the Pancho Villa State Park; cooked a one-pot rice dinner while surfin' the net; and took Ms. Barkley for a long walk round the park.

Excitin', huh!? Thrillin'!? Shit, coulda done mosta that crap livin' in a house or apartment somewheres.

So What's the Thrill a #Vanlife?


For Vanholio, it's campin' and walkin' in the quiet a the woods, livin' cheap so I don't have to work too hard none, and occasionally drivin' down a strange road ta see what's there (hopefully something beautiful or weird!). Oh, an' readin', writin', and web surfin'. That's all.

It's a simple life, but I likes it. Ta some, maybe it's boring. But then, it ain't boring if ya ain't bored.

And if ya wanna do hang glidin', rock climbin', surfin', and all the rest, ya can. Vanholio ain't stoppin' ya!

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Last Update: 10/13/2017

How to Get By With No Fridge or Cooler in the Van

ice cream truck made of ice cream is melted all over the sidewalk

I ain't never found no need to keep food cool on the road. So, yeah, my van life ain't got no refrigeration or ice chest. Tell you why, and how I gets by ...

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

10 Reasons My Van Don't Need No Fridge


  1. Cost – Your propane fridges cost propane money. Your electric fridges cost power budget, especially on solar. Your ice chests cost ice money.

  2. Space – Vanholio's got a tiny van, so anything bulky better be worth it. A chiller ain't.

  3. Simple Food – Don't cook much on the road. Mostly, I eat trail mix, Soylent, cheese sticks, fruit, peanut butter, tortillas, shit like that. Don't need a cold pantry.

  4. Many Store Trips – I'm in and outta grocery and convenience stores every few days. Don't need keep a big stock cool.

  5. Immediate Cooking – When I get somethin' real perishable, like meat, I cook it right away. Hell, I might get a pot goin' in my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go right in the parking lot!

  6. Dry Goods – Vanholio never knows when the mood to cook is gonna strike. So most food I keep around is dry goods, like rice, dried veggies, and canned soup.

  7. Refrigeration Overrated – Lots a "perishables," like fruit, vegetables, eggs, butter, and cheese, don't necessarily need to be kept all that cool. Fresh eggs'll last a week or so! I buy cheese sticks, and they do fine without chillin' for a week or more, too.

  8. Lazy Cooling – Know what I do with those cheese sticks when it's hot weather? I wrap them in a wet towel, and tuck the bunch under my bed by the water jugs. That keeps them from gettin' that greasy sweat.

  9. Condiment Packets – Your laziest bachelor uses his fridge mainly for beer and condiments. But Vanholio uses packets of condiments – including mayo! – that he swipes from convenience stores.

  10. No Cold Beer – The No. 1 argument for havin' a chiller in the van is cold beer on hand. But Vanholio ain't a daily drinker. And when he does beer, a chilled 6 pack from the store don't last long enough to get warm.

Any Downsides to Van Life With No Fridge or Cooler?


Yeah, Vanholio does have one regret about not havin' a cooler or whatever in the van. That's not havin' ice on hand. See, he likes a huge jug a ice coffee to sip from all day. Mostly, I just get free ice from a convenience store. But when I'm boondockin' for a couple days or more, then it's ice-less van life sufferin'. May get a compact ice maker soon, just for the drinks.



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Last Update: 10/10/2017

How to Escape Autonomous Killer Robots

drone carrying chain saw
An admirer of these manifestos emailed with an important question: "What are yer plans fer escapin' certain death by autonomous killer robots built by Google?" Here's my response ...

Reader's Original Email

Dear Vanholio,

What are yer plans fer escapin' certain death by autonomous killer robots built by Google?

As you know, the Earth has begun a new Maunder Minimum. In the coming decade, we will see progressively colder climate throughout the world. Food prices will rise so high the common folk won't be able to afford it. The Facebook and iPhones that have made them incapable of individual thought and/or critical thinking and problem solving skills leaves the common chattel unable to survive without handouts from big pharma, big credit, big welfare, and big gubament.

As the world starves and eradicates itself through violent ass-burgers SJW eruptions of Orweillian-style hate, I expect the Vanholio to be hidin' in his van, of course.... But what about those gosh damn robots? Ya got yer lasers ready? They better be charged and ready, because aint no way a Vanholio would be able to survive in the megacities - under strict carbon taxation and control - stripped of individual thought and completely animated by the corporate overlords... Amazon, Google, Walmart, DowDuPont, Goldman Sachs, and the list goes on.

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

Vanholio's Original Response

Sasquatch drawing with Vanholio's face
Vanholio last seen headin' to the hills
Hi, [name retracted],

Never had a plan, but these are my general ideas, in order. (Vanholio is a sneak, not a fighter.)

  1. Leave the USA. But that might not be enough if it's a worldwide crackdown.

  2. Head to the southerly hills. Abandon the van if needed. Live like a coyote foraging in nature, scavenge dumps, and theft as needed.

  3. Play along, act respectable, and engage in subversion from the inside. But seein' as I can't stomach that now, this would be a desperate move.

Expanded Thoughts on Keepin' Your Freedom


Since gettin' that original letter some weeks ago, I been thinkin' and readin' on this topic.

The comin' problems ain't really about autonomous killer robots, Global Warming (or another Ice Age), or today's dominant multinational corporations – though they could be. We don't know exactly who's gonna try and pen us in or how. But you can guaran-damn-tee someone or somethin' is.

Hell, they're doin' it today! Think how unelected credit agencies, like Equifax, got ya by the nuts. Most a us have had some bullshit on our credit reports. And if ya tried, you know what a pain in the ass it is to fix it. Then think how the bastards who hacked Equifax got ya by the balls, too. If they run up bills with your identity, it's gonna suck worse.

Civilization Has Always Oppressed the Common People


Look at your history, though. Ain't states, warlords, big companies, religions, and the like always had the common man by the balls?

The big players have always been forcin' folks to fight in their wars, work themselves to death as slaves or serfs, pay taxes that don't ever quite pay back fair, and generally forget they're born free and as good as anyone.

And the Common People Have Always Resisted

Cover of The Art of Not Being Governed by James C. Scott

But historically, people have always resisted their rulers. Either they cheat or they run. As a lazy anarchist, Vanholio proudly identifies himself with this tradition.

The common people cheat on their taxes, smuggle goods, poach, steal shit from work, grow weed in their homes, avoid the draft, and desert the army. To put it simple, they do what they need to do to survive.

And if that ain't enough to get by, they vote with their feet. Either they move to another country, or they head to the hills, mountains, swamps, marshes, desert, sea, or wherever The Man don't have power and/or don't care to look.

Sure, they sometimes fight back direct. But that's more rare as the powerful usually got things stacked to their advantage.

Remember You're Free – And Act Like It


Gandhi quote on slaves thinking they're free No, Vanholio don't know exactly how THEY are gonna try and fuck with him in future. But he keeps his heart free and his eyes open. As troubles present, he's gonna do what he needs to do, whether that's run or cheat. He might even rebel directly if needs be.

And if Google sends out actual, real autonomous killer robots? Vanholio'll hide in a cave. And if I gotta, I'll shoot some down with an EMP gun!





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Last Update: 10/06/2017

Clean Ass No. 1 Top Priority for Vandwellers

Damn! That ass fine! Even covered in dirty sand! Wanna put my tongue right up in there!

No one wants to smell your stanky damn ass. Not even you. Keepin' your butt crack clean is Priority Number One. Especially when you live in a van, down by the river.

In fact, a spit-polished taint is more important for vandwellers because we don’t always get a shower every day. Do you want your van to smell like shit? Do you want to butt stink to disgust every fuckin' time you get out of the driver’s seat? No!

Not unless you or your S.O. are goddamned coprophiliacs. In which case, save it for special occasions, Perv.

Plus, a fresh-washed crack and fresh underwear are the key to not smelling like a fuckin' bum. That helps when the cops ask questions. Trust me.

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!

How to Keep Your Ass Clean in a Van

  1. Do Post-crap Cleaning — After takin' a dump, I wipe as well as I can with toilet paper. I really dig into that bunghole. Then I wipe my crack and dingleberry with one or two baby wipes. (BTW, don’t flush them wipes or dump them in a vault toilet; throw them in the trash.)

  2. Change Underwear Daily — Briefs, boxers, and panties are there to capture loose poop, pee, or odors. In the old days, it saved washin' woolen pants til spring. In modern times, you probably change your pants more than once a year. Maybe every day. No matter, change that underwear daily and the stink won’t follow you around.

  3. Ass-Wipe After Fart-a-thons — The odd fart or two isn’t a problem. But we all get a run on gas once in awhile, usually after eating too damned much at the Chinese buffet. Things back there get moist and pungent. So clean your crack with a baby wipe and/or TP, and return your trunk to it’s factory smell.

If you’re a vandweller, trucker, or anyone who spends a lot of time in a vehicle – Or really, if you’re not fucking disgusting – keep your ass clean. It should be your fuckin' No. 1 top priority!




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Last Update: 10/03/2017

Best Tips for Cheap Van Life Cellular Internet

top of cellular internet tower, the van life special
Most a your van life types want cellular internet to stay connected. And they want it cheap, too! Guy in the video below is THE EXPERT on how to do it! Watch'n learn.

BTW, Vanholio uses the flashed Verizon 3G he talks about. Only $5 per month! Works great! But even though video guy says its legal, I'm pretty sure it's a violation of the Verizon's terms. It's in the gray zone.

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!


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Last Update: 9/29/2017

Mud Bogging on Mesa de Cuba

Boggy mud puddle on Cuba Mesa, FR 88
Ol’ Vanholio got stuck twice atop a mesa in Cuba, N.M. This time his troubles was more ignorance than poor decision-makin’. At least, that’s what I tells myself!

A friend, seein’ that photo at top, had another view. He said, "Ya just keep tempting the gods of getting stuck, don't ya?" Maybe I do, maybe I do …

Well, here's what happened ...

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!



Cuba Mesa Is a Great Camping Spot


This was my second time up at Cuba Mesa (aka Mesa de Cuba), a nice little hill outside, you guessed it, Cuba, N.M.

I like it 'cause ya got a little tree shade. It's 7,000 ft. altitude, so not too hot. It's also 15 minutes inta town for supplies, and ya got full bars on Verizon 3G and 4G. Oh, and this time a year, not too many weekend campers or hunters, so it's kinda quiet.

The dirt forest road in ain't too bad neither. Not even for my front-wheel drive, stree tired, low clearance Promaster City.  At least, not when it's dry …

Now, I did notice big ruts here'n there. But as the road was so firm and Vanholio read the soil as sandy, I figured they was leftovers from spring melt. But Vanholio was wrong – R-O-N-G wrong!

But Rain Turns Cuba Mesa Roads Into Slick Clay Mud


Tuesday night, a thunderstorm rolled it. It were a biggun, rained all night.

Wednesday mornin', Vanholio set out on his way. Didn't notice no problem drivin'. Then he came to that bog ya see in the top photo.

Them clay ruts is bigger'n ya think!
Why, I figured it'd be OK, so long as I hooked sideways ta make sure one a my tires had grab outside a puddle. But that's when I discovered the "sandy" soild up there actually is good part clay.

The van slipped, and the tires slid right down inta puddly tracks of them that went before.

I made it a ways, then lost momentum and traction. Wasn't lookin' good.

But did Vanholio panic? No, no, no! He tried doin' the forward-reverse rock. Almost made it out. But as I didn't, I didn't push the trick too far. That just digs your tires in.

Unlike the time I got stuck for three days on the big sand dune, there's was lots a good sticks around. So I took 20-30 minutes and made myself a traction bridge. That got my outta that puddle.

Then I Got Stuck Again – Taking That Top Photo!


Well, bein' a man who must tell his tale, I stopped the van to take that photo of the bog. The one at top a this post.

When I got back in the van – it's street tire tread full a clay – I couldn't make no purchase on forward. Just started diggin' myself a new hole, until the van's front bumper was hittin' straight mud!

So I got out AGAIN, dug the mud outta my way with my hand-pick. Then shoved some more sticks under the front tire. That got me goin' again.

Thankfully, I was pointin' downhill! Otherwise, I doubt it woulda worked!

Fishtailed My Way Off That Mesa – Like a Pro


Once I got movin', damnit, I sure as fuck didn't stop again. No sireee!  Nah, instead, I took it fast and slippery down the rest of the mesa, fishtailin' the whole way.

I kid you not, that damn van's back end was slippin' out near 30 degrees at times! Near as bad as drivin' on ice. And the whole fuckin' time, I was workin' to keep slippin' back inta others' ruts and the drainage ditches.

Made it off with no more problems. But I tell you what, it was a close fuckin' shave! Vanholio deserves some kinda performance drivin' award!

Bottom Line on Boondocking Mesa de Cuba?


Great place to camp. But if there's rain, stay down by the highway! Unless ya gotta 4WD and like mud boggin', that is.


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Last Update: 9/26/2017

#Vanlife – The Song

Two dirty hippies sitting in their fucking vw bus!
Just found this song, "#Vanlife" by Guilty Subconscious, posted in the Promaster Forum. Vanholio is speechless. Must watch!

?? #Vanlife question? Contact Vanholio! direct !!



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