Last Update: 4/22/2016

RoadPro Stove Secrets – Hard Boiled Eggs

Did you know you can make hard boiled eggs in your RoadPro Stove? All you need to do is bake them in the shell. Then add fresh eggs to salads, sandwiches, etc.
See, it occurred to me one day, why the fuck do we boil eggs? Can’t you bake the sons of bitches? Do they explode or what?
Nope. Found info on ye ol’ web that sure enough you can bake ‘em. So I set about to do it in my trusty RoadPro Stove. Here’s how:

1. Make Gadgets

You’ll need to make some gadgets, if you don’t have them already, to keep the eggs from touching the sides. The RoadPro stove has a heating element under the inside bottom. That’s the hot spot. The heat also conducts through the side and lid metal. To have even heating, you can’t let those eggs touch the sides.

Shown in the photo are some rough and ready gadgets I made. The ring of foil is a trivet to keep the small foil pan from touching that hot bottom. The two smashed cans are spacers keep the foil pan and its contents from touching the sides.

2. Put in Gadgets, Then Eggs

First, you put in the trivet. Then you put the pan atop the trivet. Pin the pan to the center with the spacers. Finally, add your in-the-shell eggs.

3. Close and Bake for 1:45

Close up your RoadPro Stove. Set it somewhere where it won’t knock about much. Then plug it in for 1 hour and 45 minutes. I usually just unplug the stove and leave the eggs inside to cool.

If you overcook the eggs, the whites and shells start turning brown. But don’t worry if you get a little brown. They taste fine and keep the right mouthfeel.

That’s it! Really damned easy to hard boil eggs by baking them in your RoadPro Stove. Even an idiot like me can’t fuck it up!

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Last Update: 4/19/2016

Save the World by Doing Less, or Nothing

Cute pigs sleeping in a pile. Quote says, “Never rush your bacon!”

Today, I ain’t doing shit but sleeping in my van and writing. It’s my solution to nearly everything – all the big problems. Why? ‘Cause busybodies fucked us up!

We need to go to a four-hour work day OR LESS. How would that help? Look at our fucking problems in this country and on this Earth …

Unemployment and underemployment? Job sharing lets more people have jobs, good jobs, not bullshit jobs.

Poor physical and mental health?
Less work per person means more time to sleep, chill, enjoy hobbies, socialize, and build strong families.

Environmental destruction? Valuing leisure and others over money and things means each person will buy less shit. Everything you buy, even services, takes resources out of the Earth.

Political tyranny? Folks with more time on their hands can organize to fuck The Man!

Gender inequality? Woman now get behind because they end up balancing jobs with family. With a four-hour workday, they’re not handicapped. And men can damned well do more at home!

The list goes on. I should start a global campaign for the four-hour workday!

But you see, Children, that would be counter-fucking-productive. I heard tell that the Japanese government put together a board in the ‘80s to get their people to use more leisure time. It worked 90+ hours a damned week to find a solution! … That might just be an urban legend, but it points out the problem of busybody solutions.

So I live in a van. My costs of living are tiny, so I don’t have to work all the damned time. This very day, I’m camped by a small lake. It’s chilly and raining. I’m between gigs in no hurry to get anywhere. I slept late. I took a nap.

What am I NOT doing today?

I’m not burning gas. I’m not using energy to heat or cool a house I don’t have. I’m not going out to eat or to the movies. I’m wearing old clothes. I ain’t doing shit but sleeping, eating cheap groceries, and writing this post.

I’m a failure as an American consumer. But that means I am cutting down my carbon footprint and not sucking hard at Earth’s teat. Don’t even need to invade an oil-rich country today!

We could all live the life of fucking leisure if we just worked less.

And with all our automation, we should be able to work on average four hours a day (20 hours per week). Economists predicted it a century ago.

So what happened? Who stole the four-hour workday? Read this VICE article to find out. Then watch the video below about how exactly the four-hour workday is going to pull our collective asses out of the fire.

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Last Update: 4/17/2016

Vanholio’s 21 Alternative Food Sources

Legs of dumpster diving man sticking out of dumpster. Quote says, “Grocer stores ain’t ur only option …”
How can a vandweller stretch their food budget? By exploiting ALL the fucking resources in their damned environment, like a nomad. Here are 21 alternative food sources (in no particular order.)

1. Gleaning – Farmers will sometimes let you forage after the harvest for food left in the field.

2. Hunting/Fishing/Trapping
– Many states have free or cheap education programs to teach you how. Licenses are usually much goddamned cheaper for state residents.

3. Wild Foraging – Learn to gather wild plant and non-game animal foods. Check local laws. National forests rock for this! (See

4. Urban Foraging – Produce from domesticated plants in yards are often let to rot, e.g., apples, mulberries, and pecans. This happens everywhere from the inner cities to abandoned farmlands. Don’t let that food rot like every other dipwad!

5. Roadkill – Gathering roadkill is legal in most states, and there’s lots of info online about how to do this safely. Vanholio's done eaten roadkill himself!

6. Charity/Entitlements – If you’re truly hard up, try soup kitchens, food pantries, food stamps (EBT), even begging. Fuck pride!

7. Events – Some organizations, especially churches, will give you free food to hear their pitch. You don’t need to come to Jeezus after!

8. Gardening – Can you participate in a community garden? Do you have friends or relatives who’ll let you garden in their yard? Grow your own!

9. Guerrilla Gardening – Why not garden on a vacant lot? In that bit of grass behind a warehouse? On the sly, you can also care for already growing trees and plants, domesticated and wild, to produce a better harvest.

10. Intentional Communities – Many intentional communities farm. See if you can help with the harvest for room and board, and for some food to take with you. If you want to garden or farm yourself, this is a great way to learn. You might even make friends.

11. Dumpster Diving
– Business and households all over the country throw out megatons of food. It's fucking shameful. But their asswipery is your gold. Lots of info on the web.

12. Surplus Food – Ask restaurants, bakeries, donut shops, grocery stores, etc. for food they’re going to throw out. Get it before the dumpster does.

13. Party Leftovers – Don’t be shy about taking leftovers from parties and other events at work, friends’ houses, church, wherever.

14. Grocery Stores – Default option. Look for generics, sales, and clearances.

15. Big Box Stores – Stock up on bulk staples, if you have room to carry them.

16. Ethnic Grocers – Indian and East Asian grocery stores often have amazing deals and cheap, fresh vegetables.

17. Farmers’ Markets – These aren’t always cheaper, and sometimes the “local” produce is really off the wholesale truck. But it’s worth looking. Some states have programs for SNAP to get 2-for-1 on fresh produce at farmers' markets!

18. Farmer Direct
– Buy fresh eggs and produce from side of the road. Consider buying meat, even a whole animals direct; you can always dry excess meat into jerky over a campfire.

19. Samples
– Visit food stores on the days they have free samples, then fill up!

20. Scamming – Lots of info online about how to scam restaurants into giving you free meals. Just saying …

21. Mooching – You *can* always mooch meals off your friends and family. At least till they get tired of you.

How’s that for a goddamned list of alternative food sources?! Comment below with any I forgot. And remember, the more you can stretch your food dollar, the less you’ll have to work for The Man!

Also See ...

Eating Roadkill Rabbit Down by the River
Dumpster Diving: A Travel Strategy for Free Food (Vagabond Journey)
Falling Fruit (worldwide map of wild harvests)

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Last Update: 4/11/2016

Ramen and Peanut Butter Good as Sex

Uncooked block of ramen noodles is stuck in a bowl of creamy peanut butter

Think chocolate and peanut butter are the fucking bomb? Then you’ll L-O-V-E hot ramen noodles mixed with PB. It’s cheap, filling, nutritious, and delicious!

Instant ramen and peanut butter are the perfect combination for the vandweller, or any broke-ass, lazy motherfucker. Sound weird? If you’ve ever had Thai food, you’ll know that peanut butter in a savory dish is fucking awesome. Even better spicy!

Here’s how Vanholio does it:

  1. Boil water in two 12 volt water boilers.
  2. Put in your Big Bubba insulated mug:
    1. 2 ramen noodle blocks, broken into pieces to fit
    2. 1 ramen noodle seasoning packet (2 if you like it salty)
    3. Big glob (~3 T) of peanut butter
    4. Optional: add meat, dried veggies, or spices. Vanholio likes dried fried onions; meat-flavored TVP; Tapatío hot sauce; and fresh, shredded cabbage, the kind sold for coleslaw mix. Sometimes he'll mix in a chopped boiled egg or a small can of chicken.
  3. Carefully pour in hot water.
  4. Cover with cap and gently shake to mix ingredients.
  5. Wait 3-5 minutes.
  6. Dig in!
This makes a hearty, 1100+ calorie meal that sticks to your ribs and warms your toes. And the cost of the noodles and peanut butter is only about $0.75!

Now, some asshole out there is going to tell me that instant ramen ain’t good for you. There’s some pseudoscience bullshit making the rounds about how it don’t break down in your gut like fresh ramen, etc., etc. That’s a bunch of conspiracy crap. Of course it don't: The instant kinds are fried! Fat takes longer to digest.

Americans are just paranoid about food, food companies, and The Man.

True, instant ramen is white, enriched flour lightly fried in saturated plant fat (usually palm oil). Too much of that isn’t as good for you as, say brown rice or kale (yuck!). Whole foods are always healthier. Duh!

But you can’t tell me that most restaurant or packaged foods – at 10X the price! – are any better than Vanholio’s magic recipe. This combo is a good balance of protein, carbs, and a mainly plant fats. By using one broth packet instead of two, the salt won’t pickle you. Add some veggies to round it out, or drink a V8. Then eat a goddamned apple for dessert. And stop worrying so fucking much.

Instant ramen noodles and peanut butter is Vanholio’s go-to meal – easy to make, easy to clean up, filling, nutritious, tasty, and completely satisfying. Try it. Fall in love again.

Here's a hot chick cooking a fancier version of ramen and peanut butter with soy sauce and Sriracha hot sauce.

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Last Update: 4/06/2016

Hot Fried Quail ... Those Dirty Birds!

These fried quail at Suwanee River Cafe, Fargo, Ga., were *HAWT*!

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Last Update: 4/05/2016

Clean Ass Top Priority for Vandwellers

Attractive girl’s ass with poop stain on panties.

No one wants to smell your stanky ass. Not even you. Keeping your butt clean is Priority Number One. Especially when you live in a van, down by the river.

In fact, a spit-polished ass is more important for vandwellers because we don’t always get a shower every day. Do you want your van to smell like shit? Do you want to butt stink to disgust every fucking time you get out of the driver’s seat? No!

Not unless you or your S.O. are goddamned coprophiliacs. In which case, save it for special occasions, Perv.

Plus, a fresh-washed crack and fresh underwear are the key to not smelling like a fucking bum. That helps when the cops ask questions. Trust me.

How to Keep Your Ass Clean

  1. Do Post-crap Cleaning — After taking a dump, I wipe as well as I can with toilet paper. I really dig into that bunghole. Then I wipe my crack and dingleberry with one or two baby wipes. (BTW, don’t flush the wipes or dump them in a vault toilet; throw them in the trash.)
  2. Change Underwear Daily — Briefs, boxers, and panties are there to capture loose poop, pee, or odors. In the old days, it saved washing woolen pants till spring. In modern times, you probably change your pants more than once a year. Maybe every day. Regardless, change that underwear daily and the stink won’t follow you around.
  3. Ass-Wipe After Fart-a-thons — The odd fart or two isn’t a problem. But we all get a run on gas once in awhile, usually after eating too damned much at the Chinese buffet. Things back there get moist and smelly. So clean your crack with a baby wipe and/or TP, and return your trunk to it’s factory smell.

If you’re a vandweller, trucker, or anyone who spends a lot of time in a vehicle – Or really, if you’re not fucking disgusting – keep your ass clean. It should be your fucking top priority!

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