Vanholio is now your worst fucking nightmare. I’m that geezer driving 10+ miles below the speed limit, blocking traffic. And it’s earning me $600+ per year!
See, I’ve always been a pedal-to-the-metal kind of guy. In my bad-boy youth, going 100+ mph wasn’t unusual. Even in my more conservative middle age, I’ve consistently pushed that extra 5-10 mph above the limit – just enough to avoid a ticket.
But I’ve made a discovery: Driving slower saves lots of gas and cash.
After running the numbers on the MPG for Speed website, I learned I could save almost $300-400 in gas in one year. All I’d need to do is go a maximum of 55 mph highway and ease up on the acceleration and braking. I’d also be saving money on engine and wheel repairs (including tires).
Vanholio is a cheap fucking bastard, so I gave it a try. Goddammit! I increased my fucking fuel efficiency by 30%, from 20.5 mpg to 27.0 mpg! And that’s driving through the mountains and canyons of southeastern Utah.
Turns out, I’m going to save over $600 this year! That’s at $2.20 per gallon prices!
Holy fucking crap! Those are some serious goddamned negadollars, Hotrod.
That’s also 30% less CO2 warming the planet on Vanholio’s behalf. That’s another plus. I like the Earth as it is, more or less. I don’t really want a desert in Nebraska. You know, where we grow the food.
Do what Vanholio says: Slow the fuck down, Hotrod! It’s good for your wallet and our one tiny planet.
And if any of you leadfoots out there got a problem with my driving, you can kiss my ass.