Last Update: 3/31/2016

Social Media – An Insane Hall of Mirrors

Meme with evil clown in hall of mirrors, text sasy "Social Media is a goddamned hall of twisted mirror!!!"

Internet – especially social media – is a goddamned hall of twisted mirrors. It’s a symbolic, cultural labyrinth separating us from real-world happiness.

And yes, Vanholio is well aware of the irony in him taking this position. He struggles with it daily.

See, here’s the thing: I love social media, I love being on the computer. And yet, when I spend too much time on there, I become an angry motherfucker.

And no, Vanholio doesn’t get into flame wars. He mostly likes sharing snarky memes on Facebook, Tumblr, Google+ and the like … He’s also thrilled to explore new ideas on assorted blogs and websites. No active online conflicts for him!

Yet when I put the computer down, I’m miserable and dissatisfied with my life.

Then Vanholio starts scheming. How to solve this misery, how to find satisfaction? Why with money and social status, of course! It’s then that I start churning over PLANS to entrap security and happiness with some business, career, or investment.

It’s keeping up with the Joneses, even though I have no fucking idea who the Joneses are or why the fuck I want to keep up with them.

That’s what’s insidious about this online symbolic culture. That’s why Green Anarchy folks are suspicious of it:

... but the symbolic mode of expression and understanding is certainly limited and its overdependence leads to objectification, alienation, and a tunnel­vision of perception.

No fucking joke!

But some days a miracle happens: I park Buttermilk somewhere with no Internet access. I look at the sky. I listen to the wind. I sleep. …

After detoxing off social media a few days in camp, I start to know my butt from a hole in the ground again. I become happy. I become relaxed. I stop worrying about money and status. I forget all the fuck about the fucking Joneses and their fucking Facebook posts.

So Vanholio says, Spend less time listening to online babble and more time listening to babbling brooks.
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Last Update: 3/26/2016

Eating Roadkill Rabbit Down by the River

You'll be eating plenty of roadkill rabbit when you’re living in a van down by the river. Vanholio knows: I am, I do.

OK, I’m a fucking liar. I’m actually camped by a small lake. And I just ate roadkill rabbit for the first time last night. It was better than pussy! Tasted like turkey!

Here’s the thing: Vanholio needs to save dinero on dinners. And he wants to help out the earth. You know, that whole Global Warming thing. Foraging kills two birds with one stone.

Now, another vandweller might start by pussyfooting around. Say, start by picking wild berries. But Vanholio always dives in dick first!

I’ve been seeing lots of roadkill in Colorado this last week. So I looked up some basics on how to eat roadkill. There’s some laws to know about roadkill cuisine, too.

Then yesterday morning, I picked up my first roadkill rabbit. He was barely stiff, a bit warm, had clear eyes and fleas, and looked to have been killed by a head injury. He weren’t pulped neither.

After butchering, I spiced and wrapped him in foil with potato and onion pieces. Then I baked him about three hours in my RoadPro Stove. Perfection!

RoadPro Stove Cooks Anything
... Even Roadkill Rabbit!

Las Chihuahuas – Ms. Barkley and The Gimp – loved that baked rabbit, too! Yum, yum, yum!

Oh, yeah. While the rabbit was cooking, I called the local Colorado game warden. Turns out I shoulda called him first to inspect the rabbit and issue me a tag. But the warden didn’t hassle me, decided I was working in good faith. Next time I’ll do it right.

I’m hoping to find a damned deer or elk soon. Then I’ll be making enough jerky to last months!
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Last Update: 3/20/2016

Escape the Machine!

Once upon a time, Vanholio climbed out the window. :-)

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Last Update: 3/18/2016

Save Money, Gas, and Globe – Slow Down!

Elderly male driver flips middle finger. Text reads, “Yeah, I’m driving below the speed limit. Got a problem?”
Vanholio is now your worst fucking nightmare. I’m that geezer driving 10+ miles below the speed limit, blocking traffic. And it’s earning me $600+ per year!

See, I’ve always been a pedal-to-the-metal kind of guy. In my bad-boy youth, going 100+ mph wasn’t unusual. Even in my more conservative middle age, I’ve consistently pushed that extra 5-10 mph above the limit – just enough to avoid a ticket.

But I’ve made a discovery: Driving slower saves lots of gas and cash.

After running the numbers on the MPG for Speed website, I learned I could save almost $300-400 in gas in one year. All I’d need to do is go a maximum of 55 mph highway and ease up on the acceleration and braking. I’d also be saving money on engine and wheel repairs (including tires).

Vanholio is a cheap fucking bastard, so I gave it a try. Goddammit! I increased my fucking fuel efficiency by 30%, from 20.5 mpg to 27.0 mpg! And that’s driving through the mountains and canyons of southeastern Utah.

Turns out, I’m going to save over $600 this year! That’s at $2.20 per gallon prices!

Holy fucking crap! Those are some serious goddamned negadollars, Hotrod.

That’s also 30% less CO2 warming the planet on Vanholio’s behalf. That’s another plus. I like the Earth as it is, more or less. I don’t really want a desert in Nebraska. You know, where we grow the food.

Do what Vanholio says: Slow the fuck down, Hotrod! It’s good for your wallet and our one tiny planet.

And if any of you leadfoots out there got a problem with my driving, you can kiss my ass.
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Last Update: 3/17/2016

Ho-Made Pies at Thunderbird Restaurant, Utah

Sign shows sexy, leggy woman holding pie next to words, "Home of the Homemade Pies." Commentary reads "They were all out of cherry, and I didn't trust the custard ..."

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Hole in the Rock Expedition Mor(m)onic

Mormon pioneers go screaming down the Hole in the Rock on their wagons

Escalante, Utah, is plastered with praise for the 1879 Hole in the Rock Expedition (aka San Juan Expedition). OMFG! These moron, er, Mormon settlers were dumb as fucking rocks.

The Mormon leadership in Salt Lake City decided that 236 men, women, and children should build a new settlement in southeast Utah, some of North America’s most rugged canyon country. And along the way, they should cut a straight road, no matter what.

The expedition was supposed to take about six weeks but ended up being six months. At the end was the Hole in the Rock, a 0.5-mile (1.6 km), narrow, super-steep canyon dropping 2,000 ft. (600 m) to the Colorado River.

That is some crack!
So here’s the moronic part that historians call “epic.” These genius explorers decided to blast a road through the canyon. It took more than a month of backbreaking work and a crapload of explosives. The finished “road” was an average 25° slope – sometimes 45°! Going down was a terror to man and beast alike, risking life and limb.

It was such a brilliantly designed road that it was only used for a year. Like, duh!

Hello, Mor(m)ons! How about scouting out another route?! How about questioning your leaders’ orders?!

And why the fuck did the Mormon leadership send whole families and not professional scouts and engineers? And why the hell did these people even go?

Faith made these families “volunteer.” But couldn’t they at some point say, “Hey, Prophets, this is a bad route. Let’s find another way?” How about a little intelligence and initiative here? Jesus Fucking Christ and the Latter Day Fucking Saints!

The Hole in the Rock history says less about the courage of Utah’s White settlers and more about their blind obedience. Simple faith turns you into a simpleton.

Sure, the settlers “succeeded.” But what they succeeded at was just plain stupid.

I’m renaming this bit of history the “Hole in the Head Expedition.”
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Last Update: 3/15/2016

Carving Wooden Dildos for Fun and Profit

I've gotten into whittlin' lately, literally whittlin' away the time. This artisinal wooden dildo is one of my first pieces. It's suitable for first-time pegging.

Hand holds a tiny, 3” hand carved artisinal wooden dildo
See, I was hanging with this pot smoking good old boy for a while at one of my camps. He said, "Hey, you should make something for me to remember you by." So I did.

After some laughs about whose I used for a model, we got to talking. He said, "You should carve 'em bigger and start selling those things. Chicks would buy them. Gays, too."

That got me thinking. Finding ways to make money on the road is something a vandweller obsesses over – that is, if he doesn't want a job. I don't. And so Vanholio started scheming and surfing the net. 

Turns out, people have this one covered. They're pimping them on Someone's getting a hold of them too!
Not sure if I want to take these on. It’s a lot of work, what with whittlin’ them. Then there’s lots of sanding, up and down, up and down. And polishing the knob. Then waxing them so they go in smooth.

But I might still try to penetrate the market. And it doesn't worry me any if you join in, too. It's a wide-open country with plenty of niches to fill.
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Last Update: 3/14/2016

Hold Your Fuckin' Horses!

Yeah, yeah, I got posts coming. In the meantime, contemplate this wisdom from Existential Comics.

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